Psychology
by Novelist Pup
Summary: Insanity runs in the Uchiha family. This only helps prove it. [COMPLETE]
1. Session One

**Psycho-logy**

Hello all. This is a parody of the _real_ reason Itachi went bonkers and decided that "OMG! Everything must die!" I hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer: Look at me. LOOK AT ME! …Oops, I forgot… You can't see me… but anyway, I don't look like the person who would own Naruto.**

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Session One: Itachi's Reason 

Itachi sat inside the psychiatrist's office as of a demand from Sasuke and the rest of the ninja world. He looked at him with a irritated face.

"Why the hell am I here talking to a quack?" The psychiatrist glared at him with yellow, freaky snake eyes.

"One: I'm not a quack, I'm a fully certified psychiatrist. Two: Every ninja village around demanded that you be sent here. Need any more explanations?" The doctor asked snidely.

"Nope, so what do we need to talk about?"

"Tell me, how have you felt since you massacred your clan?"

"Eh, I'm alright. I feel a few pangs of regret here and then, but other than that, I feel pretty free."

"What about your brother? You only let him live."

"That's my brother though."

"You killed your father and mother."

"And? What are you implying?"

"That you murdered your parents and allowed your brother to live while DNA-wise, your parents are closer to you."

"Which means?"

"Your mommy and daddy died while you let your little brother wander around all confuzzled."

"So? I love my little brother. He deserved to live."

"And your parents didn't?"

"If they did, don't you think they'd be here right now?"

"Excellent point. So, why did they not deserve to live?"

"Why the twenty questions?"

"Why else are you here? Certainly not for the intelligent conversation and tea."

"Hn. Whatever dude."

"Don't call me dude."

"What is your name anyway?"

"You'll find out later. Now, you may refer me to Doctor or Daddy."

"Okay Doct—Wait- Daddy!"

"Did I say that? I meant Doc, or something like that."

At this point, Itachi had moved away from the creepy psychiatrist and was laying down on the couch in an awkward way.

"Anyway Itachi, back to the subject at hand, what inspired you?"

"Do you really want to be my Daddy?"

"What?"

"I mean, do you really, _really_ want to be my Daddy?"

"Um, I don't know?"

"Because if that's the case, then you'd have to take my little brother too, cuz' I won't stand for my sibling ending up in some old, snaky, yellow-eyed, reptilian, super-powerful, gay pedophile's hands."

"Okay, can we please get back on subject?"

"Sure, what was the question?"

"What inspired this… abnormal slaughter?"

"Since you asked nicely, I'll tell you."

)))FLASHBACK)))

Itachi sat in front of his and Sasuke's father, Fugaku. Since Fugaku looked more pissed than usual, he could tell this wasn't going to end up good.

"Itachi-kun…"

Oh fuck, the formalities…

"I have heard some news…"

Oh shit, the indecent rumors…

"About your dreams when you get older…"

Oh shit, fuck, goddamn, it's an 'Concerning your Future' talk…

"And I was told…"

Lookie at Itachi! He's about to lose all his blood through his ears! Want some popcorn so we can watch him suffer through a long-ass lecture?

"That you want to become an…"

ANBU? Cowboy? Astronaut? What?

"Gay stripper."

Oh, **that** dream.

"Why?"

"Um, because it's fun and high-paying?"

At that very moment, Fugaku's face looked like this: O.o;

"Yes, so is becoming an high-class jounin…"

"But I already _am_ a high-class jounin!"

"And keep it that way."

"But it's boring! I wanna let myself loose, dance my ass off on a pole, and be able to wear pretty makeup and costumes!"

"Kami… What have I done wrong?"

"You never let me do what I want anymore!"

"That's not true I let you do a lot of things that you want!"

"Fine! I'm leaving then!"

"No you're not! Sit down!"

"See! I can't even move when I want to! Do you have a schedule of my breathing times!"

"What! How dare you speak back to your father! After all I've done for you, you repay me like _this_!"

"Oh, I get it! Why'd you put an emphasis on 'this' huh! Why couldn't you just say "Oh Itachi, I'm sooooo sorry for being an insensitive bastard who never paid attention to you or what you wanted to do! Please forgive me!" Why couldn't you say that, huh!"

"Itachi-kun, I-"

"And enough with the 'Kun' crap! I'm now 'Chan'! Itachi-chan!"

"Itachi-chan, please stop with this madness… Right now you're confused and being mislead. It's all just a period in life, when you become vulnerable to the media and what it stands for…"

"OH MY GOD, What the fuck is wrong with you!"

"Don't take that tone with me! I can kick your ass in ten different ways!"

"And guess what _dad_, I can kick yours in _twenty_!"

"Oh, you've done it now Itachi! Go to your room!"

"You never think about **my needs** anymore! It's always 'Oh, I want you to become a ANBU captain at the age of twelve!' or 'Oh, I want you to become a high-class jounin and prove the Uchiha name!' What is there to prove Dad! What!"

"I'm serious Itachi, go to your room…"

"And I'm serious **too**! We own the fucking _police force_! Wait, screw that, **we** **are the police force**! And why me!"

"What do you mean 'Why you'! Who else is there?"

"Uh, NEWS FLASH! You've got another son!"

"Oh him, uh… Sassy, Sissy, Sas-something…"

"SASUKE! His name is fucking Sasuke! My god, how can you call yourself a good father when you can't even remember your youngest son's **name**!"

"Y-You take that back! I am a good father!"

"Then what's my favorite color?"

"Blue. Like all Uchihas of course."

"But I'm not all Uchihas though! Guess what, in case you've never noticed, I'm my _own person_!"

"Then what's your favorite color?"

"Uh, I don't know? Maybe… Pink!"

And Fugaku promptly fainted.

Later, while the poor dad was lying in bed, Sasuke was sitting with Itachi, having a 'Concerning your Future' talk.

"Aniki… I wanna be a drag-queen when I grow up…"

Itachi's eyes became the size of plates and then he patted Sasuke's head.

"Okay then, Little Brother, follow your dreams!"

"Really! Thank you for the immense, yet strangely unfamiliar motivation!"

"Uh huh, oh and Sasuke, you wouldn't happen to know who told father my dream, do you?"

"Why yes, that weird dude who was always staring at you."

"What was his name? Was he part of the Uchiha clan?"

"He was part of the clan, and his name was Shi-something…"

"Shisui…"

"Yeah! That's it!"

"Please wait a moment Sasuke, I've got to go kill a bitch…"

"You're going to kill Ms. Muffins, our dog?"

"…I'll be back…"

"Okie dokie Aniki!"

Itachi walked away towards the mini pond on the right of the compound, where he always found Shisui moping. And what a lucky day, he was still there.

"Okay you bitch, why'd you snitch on me!"

"I don't know what you're talking about…"

"Oh shut it! I know you told my dad!"

"Okay, okay! Ya got me!" Shisui was laughing.

"And stop the creepy laugh! Why'd you tell my father?"

"Because… He paid me to…"

"WTF!"

"Don't believe me? I've got the receipt right here in my pants… Care to pull it out for me?"

"…No…"

"Too bad… So, wanna go out sometime?"

That was the last straw, because if there's one thing that Uchiha Itachi hates, it's being flirted by a random family member. He gave Shisui a piece of paper and a pen, and turned on his Sharingan.

"Write something."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"Okay then…"

Shisui wrote his phone number and put 'Call Me' under it. Itachi turned off his Sharingan and pushed Shisui into the pond. Itachi held him down in the water.

"What the hell—"

"Should've thought of what you did, _bitch_…"

"Augh! Stoppit! I can't breath!"

"Well duh. That's the point, I mean I thought you knew."

"-Gurgle- Oh god! –cough- -gurgle"

"Well, you look dead, okie dokie then!"

And Itachi wrote a suicide note to accompany Shisui's dead, floating body.

_Dear world, _

_I'm sorry. I couldn't live like such the bitch I was. I'm so sorry. I guess being such a sell-out whore was too much. I'm such a bitchy bitch bitch bitchity bitchy bitch. Did I mention I was a bitch? Anyway, don't miss me, cuz' no one needs a bitchy bitch like me to be around. _

_Good-bye world, _

Uchiha Shisui 

And with that, Itachi left. He went back to the house to find Fugaku sitting there with a bandage covering his forehead.

"Itachi-kun…"

Formalities again…

"I want to talk with you…"

Oh fuck this! Nothing good ever comes out of having talks with him.

"Please sit down."

He said please. He said 'please'. Death is near.

Itachi sat down in front of Fugaku.

"Itachi-kun-"

"Chan."

"Fine, Itachi-chan, I want to know what I did wrong."

"Did wrong with what?"

"With your… Lifestyle…"

"Oh, so you can't say 'Metro-sexual'?"

"That's such a mean word… How about, 'Effeminate'?"

"Ah ha! You're a homophobe!"

"No I'm not! I just like… 'Pure' things…"

"Whatever! Just, leave me alone!"

"Itachi-"

"Don't 'Itachi' me! I'm going to become a Gay Stripper, whether you like it or not!"

"And I vote on the former! You are not going anywhere!"

"Try me bitch!"

Fugaku raised his fist and was about to punch Itachi's lights out, but three Uchihas burst into the room.

"UCHIHA ITACHI!"

Itachi looked at them with a look of disinterest.

"You called? Extremely loud?"

"Did you kill Uchiha Shisui!"

"No."

The one who asked the question looked at Itachi cautiously and turned to the others.

"He said he didn't do it, so he must've not killed him." The first one reasoned.

"Hn. That's good enough for me." The second one agreed.

"Are you people retarded!" The third one yelled.

"…Maybe…"

"Idiots!"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"Whatever, but Itachi did it! The only person in this compound who calls Shisui a bitch!"

"But it could've been someone outside the compound…"

"And who would it be?"

"Um, that demon-fox host?"

"What the- No. Just no. The kid's Sasuke's age, he doesn't even know how to count correctly…"

"Are you sure?"

"Very. Now Itachi, you are under arrest!"

Itachi couldn't hold it in anymore, and burst out laughing.

"Y-You can't arrest me! I'm like, your boss! When you get more reliable clues, then you may arrest me."

The three looked at him and lowered their heads in shame, because Itachi was technically right. They left and Itachi turned back to Fugaku.

"Now where were we? Oh yeah, you were being a bitch!"

"Itachi, tell me where I went wrong…"

"See! It's always about me, me, and me! What about Itachi, Dad! ITACHI! I've been here for more than tens years Dad! TEN FUCKING YEARS! And all I get are expectations!"

"Itachi, please understand…"

"Understand what, Dad! Just fucking tell me!"

"I only want the best for you!"

"_The best? **The** **fucking best!**_ You did not just _fucking_ say that! That goddamn clichéd line did not just spurt from that mouth!"

"Guess what Itachi? It did. I wanted you to have the best of the best Itachi."

"So, Sasuke just gets the moderate to poorest treatment?"

"And then our conversation about you rolls back to Sasuke. Are you falling in love with him or something?"

"**YOU BITCH**! How dare you insult my brother in such a way! FRONTLINE NEWS, BITCH: YOU _CREATED_ HIM, SO HE SHOULD GET A LITTLE IF NOT _ALL YOUR RESPECT_!"

"Oh yes, every time I have a son, life is gonna be all Whoop-dee-fucking-**_DO_**, isn't it!"

"Well I would guess so, since we're richer than the sky and he's the son of the 'Great Uchiha Fugaku'!"

"Well who would've guessed! He's my son! If he spoke up _once in a while_ I just might've noticed!"

"Oooh, wrong move bitch! You wanna know why he doesn't speak up! Because he's _fucking_ scared! He scared of you! He's scared of your _fucking_ rejection! Did you know that!"

"I-I-"

"Speechless now? After all that meaningless bitching, you finally have nothing to say!"

"Itachi-"

"And you know what! Screw Itachi! I'm now Mr. Little Teapot! My new **_GAY STRIPPER NAME_**! If you've got a problem with that… Well, I don't give a shit, because at this point you can just kiss my ass."

And Itachi got up and began to leave, but the next move caught him completely off guard.

Fugaku slapped him.

And Sasuke had just walked into the room at that very moment.

"Aniki?"

Fugaku didn't hear him and jumped on to Itachi and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Sasuke pulled at the back of Fugaku's kimono and kept screaming for him to stop.

"Otou-san! Please stop! Aniki didn't mean whatever it was! Otou-san, please!" Unhearing ears ignored Sasuke's wails. Sasuke and Itachi's mother, Mikoto ran into the room at Sasuke's cries.

"Okaa-san! Stop Otou-san! Please, he's hurting Aniki!"

Sasuke grabbed onto his transfixed mother's kimono and pulled her towards the fight. A loud crack was heard and Fugaku flew across the room.

Itachi stood up, Sharingan in full swing.

"Do you know what I call people like you? Huh? Do you?"

Sasuke raised his hand at this.

"Bitch?"

"That's right little brother, I call them 'Bitch'. You fit under that category perfectly…"

Itachi pulled out a katana, and pointed it at Fugaku's neck.

"…Dear…" He pressed it onto his throat.

"…Old…" He made a line towards his jugular.

"…Dad." He slashed his father's neck and watched him bleed to his death.

"Itachi… I'm sorry…" The blood splurged out Fugaku's mouth.

"Too late for that now, bitch." Itachi growled, looking at him impassively. Mikoto realized that her oldest son just killed her husband, while Sasuke ran out at the 'Dear' part. She raised her hand to slap him angrily, but didn't get very far…

…Because Itachi plunged the katana into her heart.

"Ita-Itachi, why?"

"Because, I wanted to."

And at that very moment, the three who burst in before, burst in again, because their timing is _JUST THAT GOOD_.

"Itachi, we have proof that…you…killed…Shisui…?" They stopped their rant when they saw a bloody, beat-up Itachi standing over a dead Fugaku and a dying Mikoto.

"What happened here!" The third one growled.

"Nothing really, except you saw too much. Bitch. And by the way, I did kill Shisui." And Itachi killed all three of them with his bloody sword. He was so angry; he was stuck in a bloody rage. So he went around, killing everybody in the compound while calling them 'Bitch'.

At the end of his massacre, he saw Sasuke sobbing in the hallway.

"Little brother…"

"Aniki… Why?"

"I'm sorry little brother, but I've got to do this…"

"What Aniki?"

"Open your eyes, wide."

Itachi pulled out a portable DVD player and played back the entire massacre. Sasuke watched it completely, eyes wide as saucers. Itachi played it three more times, and then put it back into his robe.

"How do you feel?"

"…"

"Do you hate me?"

"…"

"Speak, damn you!"

"…That was…"

"Was what?"

"Totally AWESOME! Like, the part when you ripped out Obaa-chan's guts, and then slashed out Ojii-chan's heart, and put them in a fire while doing your rain dance around the organs, I, like, almost crapped my pants!"

And at that very moment, Itachi's face looked like this: O.O;

"Aniki! Can I have the video? Please!"

"Um, sure. Take it…"

Itachi handed him the portable DVD player and the video. Sasuke watched it while grinning and cheering on Itachi.

"Little brother…"

"Yes Aniki? (WOOT! TAKE THAT OJII-SAN!)"

"Tell me, which fits my complexion better? Pink or purple? I was thinking pink, because I just can't see myself in purple…"

"Are you kidding! Purple definitely fits your complexion better! I mean, Aniki, your skin is paler than the moon! Purple will give you that exotic look, while pink will just look weird."

"And you know this how?"

"Remember, my dream?"

"Oh."

(((END FLASHBACK(((

The doctor looked at Itachi, and then took off his glasses.

"I don't believe I'm being paid enough for this."

"Damn straight."

"Now, let me get this straight, you went all 'Kill The Clan' because your father didn't approve of you becoming a Gay Stripper?"

"Indeed."

"Ah, although, you would make a good one…"

"That's righ-Wait, WHAT!"

"Nothing at all."

"I could've sworn you said 'You would make a good one'!"

"No, no, I said 'I take it the Lakers won'."

"Hn. Well, what's next?"

"We talk about what happens after the massacre…"

END SESSION ONE

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Well, I had fun writing this. I don't know why I added that extra load of angst and violence, though. This story, by the way, will contain YAOI in later chapters. No Uchihacest, unfortunately, because a friend of mine might attempt to kill me if I do one more thing on Uchihacest. Damn, I really like that pairing too. Did anyone guess who the psychiatrist was yet? Anyway, I hope to see you in the next chapter of **Psycho-logy**. 


	2. Session Two

**Psycho-logy**

**WARNING: LONG-ASS AUTHOR'S RANT!**

Hello once again. I began seriously thinking about the extra load of angst that I added in the first chapter. One part of my mind was all like "No! Put angst in! Without angst it won't make sense!" yet a quite logical part of my brain responded, "It doesn't make sense anyway. In fact, it's not supposed to. It's HUMOR! With angst it'll become Humor/Drama or Humor/Angst, or even worst: Drama/Angst." I was going to listen to the logical part, but then the first part pulled out a gun. So I wrote the angst, because guns are always right.

By the way, in case anyone didn't know, this is an Itachi/Sasuke centric AU story. It is **NOT** Uchihacest! No matter how much I want it to be, the incest-haters out there will flame me back to Hell, and I'm on VACATION!

I hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer (Worked by Itachi): No. This person may bitch once in a while about the lack of ownership, but fortunately is not the owner of Naruto. **

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Session Two: After The Massacre 

The doctor stared at him for five minutes, quickly becoming irritated.

"Is it too much for you to just tell me?" He asked.

"Tell you what?"

"About what happened after the massacre!"

"What massacre?"

"The massacre you had five years ago!"

"I don't remember any massacre…"

"It's the reason you're in here."

"Oh… **That** massacre."

"After this, I'm going to quit…"

"What'll you do when you quit?"

"I really don't know, maybe conduct dangerous experiments on minors and whatnot."

"Ah. Sounds creepy."

"I guess so, but now I'm making money just by talking to you."

"That's pretty unfair. What about us hardworking citizens who can't afford therapy!"

"No one said you were paying, I'm getting paid by every ninja village around."

"Why?"

"Because to them, you're too unstable to be anywhere near."

"Oh, well, that hurts."

"Anyway, shut up and start talking. I don't have all day."

"Yes you do. You get more money for your pedophilic experiments by talking to me."

"Pedophilic… Such a mean word… I would like to call it 'Viagra for Kids'."

"Ewww… Stay away from my brother…"

"Start talking!"

"Fine…"

)))FLASHBACK)))

"Aniki?"

Itachi turned to look at his brother, who still had the damned DVD player in his hands.

"Yes Sasuke?"

"What are you going to do now? I seems as though legally your existence can be remotely accessed and exterminated with a obstinate version of a juvenile courtroom appearance."

"…Where did you learn all those words?"

"I found them in this thing in your room!"

"What was the thing called?"

"A d-diction-something…"

"Dictionary."

"Yeah! That's what the thing was called!"

"Right, well, I think I'll go join this group called Akatsuki and then leave you to angst and gain a personality to rival storm clouds that always rain on someone's parade."

"Aw, but I don't wanna angst!"

"Fine, then you can come with me…"

"Yay!"

And so, the two brothers journeyed off to a place farther than the Earth itself, to a place of magic and wonder, a place of freedom and no responsibilities, to a place of-

Okay, screw it, they went to the forest and met up with some blonde person.

"Hi! I'm Uchiha Itachi! This is my little brother, Sasuke. I just massacred my family and was going to leave my little brother to angst and grow to hate me, but he insisted on coming with me."

"Uh huh. So why are you telling me this?"

"Do you know where I can find a super-secret organization called 'Akatsuki'? Although, since it's so secret, you have a one percent chance of knowing, and I'm taking that chance!"

"Akatsuki? Why didn't you say so! I'm part of Akatsuki, you may call me Deidara!"

"!"

"Now, are you and this sweet piece of underage ass joining us?"

"I guess so…"

And with that, Deidara led them to a big bright strip club called 'Cum And Get It'.

"Why are we here?"

"It's our undercover view, so no one will know who we are."

"Okay. But why a strip club?"

"Because no one will suspect a Gay Stripper."

"…Did you say 'Gay Stripper'?"

"Yes…?"

"If I join, does that mean I'll get to be a Gay Stripper too?"

"Yes…?"

"Then I'll do it."

"Okay… What about your brother?"

"He's seven."

"Oh, well we've got a section for the underage kids too. They go into the section where we get the pedophiles."

"…No thank you."

"So what do want to do with him?"

"He'll stick around with me for a while, then I'll send him back to Konoha so he can repopulate the Uchiha clan and wait for his son to kill them all over again."

"Um, what if he's gay?"

"What are you talking about?"

Deidara pointed towards Sasuke, who was currently throwing his money at a sexy stripper, who was in exchange eyeing the kid with much consideration.

"Damn, didn't think of that possibility…"

"How could you not? Seven or Seventeen, he's obviously gay."

"Don't rub it in."

"Oh, I'll get some lemon juice and salt, then I'll rub it in."

"You're so gay."

"Damn straight."

"That's redundant."

"…You think too much."

"I think too little in my opinion."

"Your opinion doesn't count, you're a bitch."

"No I'm not, my father was a bitch, and he's dead."

"You killed your father?"

"Yes, are you a girl?"

"I don't know, are you gay?"

"…Maybe…"

"This conversation is going nowhere."

"I noticed."

"Aren't you going to stop that stripper from molesting your brother?"

"…!"

The same stripper who Sasuke was cheering for, was now pelvic thrusting in Sasuke's face, causing louder cheers.

"…Bitch…"

Itachi walked up to the stripper and slashed his chest in half. The stripper screamed in pain, but Itachi pushed his body off the platform and took his place in the stripping.

"Wow, your brother's really made for this, huh?"

"Yeah, Aniki's been practicing for years."

"…"

At that very moment, Deidara's face looked like this: O.o;

"Well, I guess I should take him to the boss."

"Aw, but Aniki's really getting into it!"

Indeed, for Itachi was already down to his shorts. The crowd had started chanting "Take it off! Take it off!" and Itachi had so much money in his pants, it could become a bank.

"…Let's go…"

"Okie dokie lady!"

"What makes you think I'm a lady?"

"Your hair."

"Guys have long hair too."

"So?"

"Your brother has long hair."

"So?"

"Say 'So' one more time, I'll kill you."

"Threaten me one more time, I'll get Aniki to kill you."

"What makes you think he can kill me?"

"A experience that would usually be traumatizing and angst-inflicting, but I thought it was pretty darn cool."

"Why do you refrain from using profanity?"

"Because, Aniki told me that only bitches use profanity."

"He uses profanity."

"But Aniki's not a bitch, because he said he's a prodi-prod something."

"Prodigy?"

"Yeah! Do you have one of those Dictionary thingies too?"

"…You need a effective education…"

"What's a ef-fecka-taave edee-u-kay-shun?"

"I'll be providing it."

Itachi came back to the two with a bag of cash, in nothing but a thong. It's scary when people come prepared for stuff like this.

"What's up?"

"Hi Aniki!"

"Hello little brother. Did you have fun with Deidara?"

"Yeah! He said he's going to give me a effeecative edukayshion!"

"In that order?"

"Yeah! He said he'd be providing it!"

Itachi turned to Deidara and pulled a monopoly card from his thong.

"Why is the 'Jail' crossed out? And why is 'A Bloody Slaughter' there in place of it?"

"It's a "Get Out Of A Bloody Slaughter Free' card. That's for offering to help out my poor, poor brother."

"I'll need some help though."

"Fine, whatever you must do to make him smart."

"Why no 'Er'?"

"…I'll let you answer that."

Deidara led them to a back room that was surrounded by plants and green stuff.

"Aniki?"

"Yeah?"

"It's creepy in here."

"How?"

"It's so…"

"So happy? Scary? What?"

"…green…"

Itachi face-faulted and pushed Sasuke ahead so that he wouldn't be required to answer stupid questions.

They all stopped in front of a dude with what seemed to be a Venus flytrap reject.

"Hello. I am called Zetsu."

"What else are you called?" Sasuke so foolishly asked.

"What do you mean 'what else'?"

"Well, you said that you are called Zetsu, which means you have another name, which also means that Zetsu is not your legally incorporated name, which in exchange proves that your name is not Zetsu, in which your name varies differently from Zetsu."

"!"

"So what's your real name? Because, who would call someone Zetsu?"

"Fine, my real name is… Hana…"

"Flower? Dude… that's so gay!"

"Who brought the brat in here!"

"Well sorry for trying to make sense of the reality of your name!"

Sasuke hmph-ed and stiffly walked back to Itachi. Itachi, in return, sighed and mumbled an apology.

"I'm Uchiha Itachi, and this is my brother, Sasuke."

"I am Zetsu. It seems you would like to join us, no?"

"Yes, I would."

"Well, you'd have to take a test first, to see if you're enough of a genius madman to join us."

Deidara gave Itachi a sheet of paper with a multitude of questions. Itachi looked at it, and scrunched up his face as he answered each one.

((((QUICKIE KEY! **Questions**; _Answer_))))

AKATSUKI TEST 

**What is your name? **_Uchiha Itachi, but you may call me Mr. Teapot. _

**How did you end up here?** _My family consisted of a bunch of bitches, so they got a bitch-worthy death._

**If you were given an assignment to kill someone, would you do it?** _I think the question is, 'Would I not do it?' _

**If another member of Akatsuki started to flirt with you, how would you turn them down?** _I'll start with a simple _'_Lets be friends' and if they don't understand that, then I'll kill them. _

**Do you like kids?**_ It all varies, I like my little brother, but that is all. _

**What is your greatest dream?**_ To become a professional Gay Stripper. _

**Do you have any special abilities?**_ I've got my super kool L33T CSER wheel eyez. _

**I love you.**_ And I don't, so we're equal. _

Zetsu looked over the paper and sighed.

"No one ever loves me…"

Itachi paced around and stared at Zetsu impatiently.

"Well? Am I in?"

"Yeah, yeah. But, the kid's gotta go soon."

"Fine, I was planning to teach as much as possible, work out his issues, somehow contact Hatori from Fruits Basket to erase all his memories of the Akatsuki except for the education, and send him back to Konoha to angst."

"…Why must he angst?"

"So that he can learn to hate me and not get caught up in some whirlwind romance, cuz' I love him like that."

"Ah, appropriate non-Uchihacest love. I see."

"Yeah, because even though we really deserve each other, it is forbidden and will most likely get the author of this story flamed nice and crispy for a meal."

"…"

"And, you are speechless. My intelligence must have you stumped eh?"

"…If I give you a job as a main stripper, will you shut up?"

"Shutting up now!"

Itachi ripped out some tape and taped his mouth shut. Sasuke was sitting with Deidara in a room, where he was being taught about the symmetric lines in the average human body cell.

"So, even though cells are all squiggly and stuff, they got lines of symmetry?"

Deidara screamed and ran out the room. A few minutes later, he returns with a big, blue, and shark-like man.

"Sasuke…this is Hoshigaki Kisame. He is my assistant teacher. You may call him Kisame-sama."

"Why must I call him sama? Isn't 'san' a better honorific for someone of his status?"

Kisame punched the wall behind Sasuke, leaving a big dent that was streaming with chakra.

"I'm sorry _bitch_, did I give you a choice?"

"You called me a bitch! I'm gonna tell Aniki, cuz' that was unneeded!"

Sasuke wailed as he ran out the room, leaving a confused and amused Deidara and Kisame behind.

"Aniki!"

Itachi turned around to see his younger sibling running towards him at a surprising speed for someone of his mental stability.

"Aniki! That shark-dude, he got all pissy when I asked if it was all necessary to call him 'sama', and I don't think it is, but after that, he punched the wall and called me a bitch!"

Sasuke sobbed like a spoiled brat into Itachi's leg.

"Can you tell them not to call me that? Please Aniki?"

"Sure. Where is he?"

"Follow me Aniki!"

Sasuke led Itachi to the room where Deidara and Kisame were drinking tea.

"Ah, so you did tell him." Deidara mumbled, smirking in Kisame's direction.

"Yeah, and Aniki's gonna tell you to stop!"

Itachi stared impassively into Kisame's eyes. Kisame just blinked and slowly began to snicker.

"This moron thinks that he has some super secret powers to get into my head!"

"I don't, but I have this…"

And Itachi pulled out the DVD Player with the _killer_ video in it.

"Open your eyes. Wide, bitch."

Kisame opened his eyes wide at being called a bitch and wasn't prepared for the next move by Itachi.

Itachi had pushed the DVD Player's screen in his eyes, so he was forced to watch the entire massacre, his fear of Itachi growing with each death caused by him.

"OH GOD! TURN IT OFF! PLEASE MAN!"

Kisame screamed and ran out the room effeminately. Sasuke and Itachi chuckled, looked at each other, and said

"He runs like a bitch…"

They both blinked at the strange coincidence and then laughed some more. Deidara, who was lucky enough to not have been forced to watch the movie, just stared in amazement while drinking his tea. Itachi and Deidara then left to go to Zetsu, while Sasuke was alone.

Suddenly, a man with pale skin and yellow snake eyes came up to Sasuke.

"Hey there little fellow, are you lost?"

Sasuke shook his head vigorously and hid under his arms from the freaky snake-dude's grasp.

"Then, what's your name little fellow?"

"U-U-Uchiha S-Sasuke…"

"Aw, aren't you the most deliciously cute underage kid I've ever seen. And believe me, I've seen a lot…"

That comment did nothing to help Sasuke's nerves. He was seconds away from running at top speed towards his brother, until he caught scent of something good. Something sweet. Something sugary. Something like-

"Candy!" Sasuke squealed.

"Candy, candy, candy, candy!" Sasuke began to chant as he patted the snake-man down for it.

The man wasn't minding it one bit. Sasuke finally realized where the candy might be. It was in the one place where Sasuke hadn't frisked. The forbidden area of scariness.

Inside the snake-man's pants.

Sasuke gasped in horror at the thought alone of having to venture inside such a horrid place, but decided that he wanted the candy, so he'd better toughen up.

He tugged at the man's long-sleeved shirt.

"Mister? May I please get inside your pants?"

The snake-dude's heart was soaring, for those words were the ones that he had been waiting for, ever since he went to the dark side.

"Yes you may. And my name is _Orochimaru_, not mister."

The name sent shivers down Sasuke's back, but he straightened up and set his face into a determined look. He guided his hand towards the frightening area, and finally got it inside the man's pants.

"Mmmmm."

Orochimaru's tongue was practically hanging out his mouth as Sasuke's hand rummaged around for the candy.

"Aha! I found it!"

Sasuke pulled at the supposed candy and kept tugging. Orochimaru finally had enough and stopped Sasuke's hand.

"That's not candy… Well, not the type _you_ wanted anyway."

Sasuke scratched his head and then the story behind the words came into play.

He paled extremely.

"I'm so sorry Orochimaru-san! I didn't mean to grab your stick! I just wanted the candy, please forgive me for my selfishness!"

Orochimaru patted Sasuke's head and pulled out some candy from his pocket.

"Here Sasuke-chan. We should do this again sometime, see you…"

Orochimaru blew a kiss at the cheerful Sasuke and walked away. Sasuke squealed at his candy again and ran towards where his brother should be.

"Aniki, Aniki!"

Itachi looked at him with a hint of curiosity at the handful of candy being held by his little brother.

"Yes?"

"Guess what! I got candy!"

"Uh huh. From who?"

"Orochimaru-san!"

"…"

Itachi hit himself on the forehead for not giving his little brother the talk about taking candy from strangers. He also cursed his father again, for being a bitch and not teaching Sasuke also about taking candy from strangers.

(((END FLASHBACK(((

"Oh dear lord, what have I gotten myself caught up in?" The psychiatrist wailed into his notebook.

"You gotten yourself into a whole lot of shit, I can tell you that much."

"I don't need your comments!"

"Yes you do, psychology works when you talk, no?"

"No, it works when the psychiatrist isn't stuck with a **_psycho_** that has more problems than a virus-packed computer!"

"Ah, good thing you don't have that problem then, eh?"

"Shut up please."

"Yet, now that I look back on it, you looked a lot like that Orochimaru dude. Same hair, same eyes, and same pale face. Are you sure you're not gonna tell me your name now?"

"Very, now on to the next subject."

"Which is…?"

"Your Akatsuki Lifestyle of course…"

**END SESSION TWO**

* * *

More fun for me! This chapter didn't start off well, so I'm sorry about that. It got better towards the middle and end. I hope you all liked it and I'll _attempt_ to update earlier, keyword being _attempt_. No major YAOI yet, we've still got a couple of more chapters until it gets there. I should've bumped this up to an M rating now with what happened between Sasuke and Orochimaru. But, that is **NOT** the pairing. I was bored, and that is the spawn of my boredom. I hope to see you once more in the next chapter of **Psycho-logy**. 


	3. Session Three

**Psycho-logy**

Hello once more. More crack for the soul, written by me. A new Akatsuki member makes his appearance in this, because it adds to the insanity. I also apologize for the late update. And before I forget… SURPRISE WARNING!

**Disclaimer: I prefer not to get sued, thank you very much. **

* * *

**Session Three: Life In Akatsuki**

Itachi stared at the notepad in the doctor's hands. He always wondered why they wrote in those.

"Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"Can I see your notepad?"

"…No."

"Why?"

"Because I said."

"I wanna see it!"

"Stop acting like a spoiled brat! I'm not giving it to you!"

Itachi lunged at the psychiatrist and straddled him while pressing a kunai to his Adam's apple.

"If you want to see spoiled, then how about I slash out your intestines and lay them out to dry, hm?"

"Get off me!"

"I'm sorry, was that a demand?"

"Yes! Get off!"

"Give me the notepad!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

The doctor smirked in victory, for Itachi had fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book. Until he looked at his notepad, to find it vanish into thin air.

"What the hell-"

"This notepad is very interesting, for in each entry you wrote 'I HATE MY JOB' is prettyful bold letters…"

"You do notice that the computer's grammar check doesn't recognize 'prettyful' as a real word?"

"So? I'm Uchiha Itachi, the legendary killer of the Uchiha Clan. If I say it's a word, then it's a word. Because, I might _accidentally_ kill the author…"

The doctor sighed and sat in his chair, while plucking the notepad from Itachi's hands, earning an outraged whine.

"Get on with it."

"Fine… bitch."

"I heard that!"

)))FLASHBACK)))

Itachi wandered around the club for the umpteenth time. Where in the fifty hells was Sasuke! Deidara had moved the teaching area, so he couldn't watch them molest his brother probably.

"Hey, hot stuff…"

Itachi turned towards a sleazy looking/sounding man, but he couldn't really tell because of the shadows that were dramatically covering his face. All he could really see of the man were his hands and a nail file.

How he even knew it was a man is beyond anyone…

"Who, me?"

"Do you see anyone else here with a body like yours? Yeah, you."

"What do you need, I'm kinda in a hurry."

"I can give you all the info you want, you just gotta do something for me."

"What?"

The man stepped out the shadows to reveal red hair and gray eyes. He wore a skimpy tank top that exposed his belly button.

Once again, how he could be identified as a man is way out of contact.

Yet, the freakiest thing about him was his sudden change of voice tone, which went from sleazy drug-dealer, to stereotypical coming-out-the-closet gay guy.

"I need you to get me a bottle of nail polish."

"Why?"

"Do you see these nails!"

The man thrust his hands into Itachi's face, showing his slightly fading purple nail polish. Just slightly, but nothing major.

But Itachi (being Itachi), thought of this trivial predicament to be just a serious as a heart attack.

"Oh dear! What kind?"

"A lavender-ish purple, with maybe just a hint a blue. Just a hint."

"A hint? Are you sure you don't want the one that was lavender-ish purple with a bit of pink mixed in?"

The guy put his hands of his hips and tilted his head in thought.

"You know, I've never even exactly tried it… Do you think it would go with my skin?"

"In all truthfulness, what would **really** go with your skin would have to be a nice purple with pink swirls mixed in, slightly but not too much, so it won't become the dominate color in the polish."

"Hm, I see your point. I'll take that one then…"

"Okay, I'll see you later then… Um, what's your name?"

"Oh, silly me! I was panicking so much I couldn't remember to tell you my name! I'm Sasori, and you?"

"Itachi."

"Nice, now move your sexy little bottom! My nails depend on it!"

Itachi, a bit irked (because he believed that his bottom was anything _but_ little), ran out the door at top speed to get the nail polish. Sasori just stood there, filing his nails, waiting for Itachi's return.

**-X-X-X-X-**

Sasuke listened attentively as Kisame told him about the male body.

"Okay brat, what is this?"

Kisame pointed at his crotch, and Sasuke grinned like he knew the answer.

"My wee-wee!"

Kisame looked at him with a straight face…for five seconds. Then he turned around and put his hand on the wall for leverage as he bent over laughing. The tears were falling from his face and Deidara sighed. He took Kisame's place in the lesson.

"No, it's called your cock."

"Nuh-uh! It's called a wee-wee! That's what Obaa-san called it at least."

"Well she's dead, and I'm not."

"Are you sure you're not dead? You could be a zombie!"

"I'm not dead, no one can be this sexy dead!"

"Aniki can."

"What! He's second rate compared to this body!"

"But you look like a girl!"

Kisame's laughter increased greatly and he fell over while clutching his stomach. Deidara glared at him and snarled.

"Shut it Shark-Man!"

"W-Whatever (snicker) y-y-y-you s-say (laugh) Girly-Man!"

"Whatever, bite me bitch!"

Kisame stopped laughing long enough to grin, as if to expose his very, _very_ sharp teeth to Deidara, proving that he could indeed take the offer seriously. Then he returned to the ground to continue his laughter.

"Okay, Sasuke, that is called your cock."

"Wee-wee."

"No, COCK. Say it with me, C-O-C-K."

"W-E-E W-E-E."

"Cock!"

"Wee-wee!"

"Cock!"

"Wee-wee!"

"Dick!"

"Cock!"

Deidara grinned as he finally got Sasuke to do what he said. Sasuke wanted to cry to his Aniki, but since they were in this hidden room that can't be seen unless you had Byakugan. He shouldn't even know what that is, but in the end he decided to brood.

And thus, the birth of Brooding Sasuke.

**-X-X-X-X-**

Itachi ran through the trees to find a conveniently placed beauty-supply in a clearing. He walked inside to find a little boy, no older than Sasuke, at the counter filing his nails in a very Sasori-like manner.

"Um, hello?"

The boy looked up at his and glared heatedly. His nametag said 'Gaara' (SURPRISE).

"What do you want?" He growled while filing a particularly chipped nail.

That was covered in blood.

Itachi would've gulped, but that would kill his badass image. And, boy, does he need his badass image.

"Hi, do you have any purple nail polish?"

"It varies, do you need a lavender-ish purple with a hint of blue? Just a hint."

"A hint? No, I was looking for a more purple with pink swirls that doesn't dominate the polish."

"Hm? Well, I'll check to see. We don't get that many orders of that type really."

"Oh."

Itachi followed Gaara to the nail polish section and saw that the one he wanted was far up. Really far up.

"Um, aren't you a little too small?"

Gaara glared at him and bared his teeth threateningly. Itachi raised his hands in defeat and stepped back. Suddenly, a sand hand reached out and grabbed the bottle. Itachi looked around in confusion, because he heard a weird unfamiliar sound.

"Do you hear that?" Itachi asked Gaara, who shrugged uncaringly.

"It's the Author, who is laughing because of a rhyme that was unintentionally in the last paragraph."

"Hm, so the Author is so devoid of a life that random rhymes make him laugh?"

"Yes. Do you want this in a paper bag?"

Itachi whipped his head towards Gaara and it looked like he was glaring, but he really wasn't. A common trait in the Uchiha family. Gaara countered with a kind of glare of his own and Itachi upped the heat in his.

"Fine. Do you want a transparent bag?"

Itachi smiled and nodded his consent. Gaara put it in a bag and gave it to Itachi.

"Oh, Gaara? I have a little brother your age, would you like to come play with him?"

"It depends on what you mean by play. Play with his life? Fine. Play with him as a playmate? That's fine too."

"Um, playmate."

"Fine, where do you live? I'll be there tomorrow."

Itachi stared at the tiny boy in front of him for a moment, and gave him his address.

"By the way, aren't you too young to be working?"

"No, my father owns this shop, along with ruling all of Sunakagure as the Kazekage. It keeps me from my homicidal tendencies, being near beauty products."

"…"

Itachi pivoted and walked out the store slowly, then broke into a run as soon as the shop was out of sight. He made it back to the club in record time while almost crashing into Sasori.

"Hey Sweet N' Sexy! Slow down, you're running like death is after you!"

"IT IS!"

"Oh? Which beauty supply did you go to?"

"The randomly convenient one in the middle of the clearing right before you get into Sunakagure!"

"Oh, so you must have met Gaara then."

"You _know_ the little creep!"

"We're distant relatives."

"Explaining the hair. But, _how_?"

"I'm in the Akatsuki, so I was disowned from my immediate family. Gaara was not part of them, so I go to that particular beauty supply to say hello and because their products are awesome."

"…Oh…"

Itachi gave Sasori his nail polish, and shuddered after hearing Sasori squeal in glee. It's unnerving to hear a late teen guy, who more than likely has **major** issues, squeal over a bottle of nail polish.

"So, can you give me the information I want?"

"Hm? Oh sure! You want to know where your little brother is right? Well, the little cutie is right behind the wall you're leaning on."

"WHAT!"

Itachi used his Sharingan and saw Sasuke _brooding_.

"Oh dear lord, they've corrupted my little brother!"

Sasori scrunched his face while repainting his nails.

"They didn't need to do anything, with a role model like you, corruption is like a cup of tea."

"You got a problem!"

"Don't we all?"

Sasori smirked at Itachi and he sneered back. He decided that talking to one of the gayest men he'd ever seen would never help him save Sasuke.

To fix that problem, Itachi slammed his fist into the wall and broke it into small crumbles.

Deidara, Sasuke, and Kisame all stared at Itachi while he fixed his hair.

"Aniki…are you okay?" Sasuke asked Itachi, cocking his head to one side.

"Oh I'm fine. What about you, are you okay?"

"Obaa-san lied."

"What?"

"Obaa-san lied to me."

"How?"

"She said the my cock is called my wee-wee."

"…Who told you that word?"

"Deidara-san."

Itachi turned his head slowly to Deidara, who was walking towards the door while whistling the 4th Ending in Naruto, and grabbed him by his neck.

"I've got something to say to you…"

"R-really?"

"Uh huh. I just want you to know that I'm-"

"Going to kill me?"

"Very appreciative of teaching him that word. I swear, I was getting very annoyed with him continuously calling his cock 'wee-wee'."

Deidara let out a breath that was haunting him for a while. He didn't know why he was so scared, since he was one of the first members of Akatsuki and had direct connections to Zetsu.

There was just something about Itachi that screamed "Bow down, bitch. I'm powerful and won't hesitate to kill you."

"Wait, how did you find us?"

"Oh, Sasori told me."

"…Oh really?"

Deidara glared at the just entering Sasori, who was now wearing his Akatsuki robe.

"Sasori…!"

"Oh, hi Deidara!"

"Why did you rat me out?"

"I ran out of nail polish."

Deidara's anger quickly disappeared as he nodded in complete understanding. Even Kisame had tears swelling up in the corners of his eyes at the confession. Itachi came behind Sasori and put his hand on Sasori's shoulder as if to say "I'll be a shoulder to lean on" and Sasuke was grinning in utmost sincerity.

…The moment proved that they are all a bunch of nut jobs who were most likely escaped mental patients in their past lives.

When they were done, Zetsu called them on a convenient PA.

"All Akatsuki members please come to _The Room_. Even the brat."

And so, they all went to _The Room_ and found Zetsu sitting there with a doctor. Orochimaru was already there, and grinned when he saw Sasuke.

"Hello there Sasuke!"

"Candy Man!"

They both hugged and Itachi didn't miss the wayward hand of Orochimaru. He made a mental note to have a talk with this man, to see of his intentions.

Zetsu told all of them to sit down on the small, cushioned stools.

"This is Doctor Ecchi, he is completely sane and has no problems whatsoever. He will be our Friendship Doc' from here on."

Deidara, Sasori, and Kisame all groaned and whined.

"We don't want another Friendship Doc'!"

"We're perfectly good friends!"

"This takes off of my beauty time!"

Zetsu glared at them all and they instantly shut up. Doctor Ecchi then began talking.

"So, lets talk about things that you like."

"I like seducing men with my femininity and then chopping off their dicks so that I can watch them bleed to death." Deidara

"I like possessing people and turning them into puppets so I can obtain chakra. Like I'm doing now." Sasori

"I like biting the heads of children." Kisame

"I like killing off the people who piss me off while calling them bitches." Itachi

"I like kids and snakes." Orochimaru

"I like Aniki! And candy." Sasuke

Everyone 'Awww'ed at Sasuke, who was currently hugging the arm of Itachi as he grinned. Doctor Ecchi coughed and got everyone's attention.

"What don't you like about your partner?"

Before anyone could answer that, Zetsu suddenly remembered that no one had partners.

"Okay, I realize that no one has a partner, so this is how you'll be arranged: KisaIta and DeiSaso."

Everyone groaned a complaint about the randomness of it all and Zetsu glared again.

"Well, my partner has an obsession with his current body and just needs to shut up about it." Deidara said, looking at Sasori.

"Well ex-cuse me! It's not my fault that I'm really just a wooden cylinder with a spell on it! My partner needs to get an attitude adjustment and a haircut!" Sasori spat back at the glaring Deidara.

"My partner needs to visit a plastic surgeon after this talk, because he's gonna need a new face!"

"My partner's gonna need more than a new face, cuz' I'm about to possess this Mo'Fo'!"

"Oh, bring it bitch!"

"It's already been brought!"

Itachi flicked both of their foreheads and they fell out instantly. He sighed and began his complaint.

"My partner's a dangerous, bitchy shark." Itachi drawled, smirking at Kisame's shocked face.

"Well, my partner's a homicidal, insane, and narcissistic drama queen." Kisame shot back.

"My partner should be on a sushi plate."

"My partner should be on America's Most Wanted."

"My partner should go back to school, since we're not in America."

"My partner should shut up right about now."

"My partner's leg has just been sliced open."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look."

Kisame looked at his leg and shrieked at the blood that was openly flowing from his leg and the bloody kunai that was in Itachi's hand, twirling freely.

"Y-You BITCH!"

"Look who's talking."

Sasuke raised his hand and the doctor pointed at him.

"Yes Sasuke?"

"Who is my partner?"

"…You're too young to have one."

"So I can't even have Orochimaru-san?"

"NO! I mean, no. He's really experienced and you're not."

"Okay then, I'll get really experienced then!"

"You are so _cute_."

"Thank you Ecchi-san."

Doctor Ecchi restrained the urge to cuddle with that sweet piece of under-aged ass.

'_I'm going to hell…_'

(((END FLASHBACK(((

"Hm, so you were partnered with Kisame, am I correct?"

"That's right."

"And I'm not the first psychiatrist you've seen?"

"Doctor Ecchi wasn't a psychiatrist, silly! He was a Friendship Doctor."

"Friendship Doctor is more of what they say to insane people to make them feel less insane in a group."

"…So Zetsu LIED to me?"

"Yes."

"Ah, would it be bad if I killed him?"

"If you want more time in my office, then fine."

"But I _like_ you. You're the first person to ever talk back to me outside of Akatsuki."

"Don't I feel honored."

"So, what's next?"

"I've got a little more time, so we can talk about something you want to."

"Then, let's talk about Sasuke's Sex Talk!"

((**O**M**A**K**E**))

Kisame sat Sasuke down and tied him down. Deidara had brought in an overhead and a folder. Sasori sat in front of Sasuke.

"Now, Sasuke, we've recently been informed that you don't know what sex is."

"What is sex?"

"Exactly. So, Itachi let us give you the talk about the birds and the bees."

"Wait, the evolution process of the birds and the bees?"

"…NO. The Sex Talk."

"But what's a sex?"

"You know the evolution process of a bird, but you don't know about sex?"

"…What is sex!"

"Fine, fine. Deidara, show him the first picture!"

Deidara put an _extremely_ graphic picture of heterosexual sex on the overhead and Sasuke felt his eyes widen and his mouth drop.

"What you see here is called Guy X Girl sex. The technique is called 'Spread Your Legs'."

"What's she doing to him!"

"Ripping his dick in half. Next picture."

Deidara then put up a photo of Sasuke's mother and father having _graphic_ sex.

"This is what your mom and dad were doing when they were bringing you into existence. It's called 'Doggy-Style'."

"OH MY FREAKING GOD!"

"No, your dad was freaking her. Thank Itachi for the picture."

"…"

"Speechless, next picture!"

Deidara then showed another _graphic_ picture of two women, one had a strap-on."

"This is called Yuri. It's not as common on the Internet as it is on television at sleazy hotels. It includes two women who were so sexually deprived that they turned to each other. I don't know what the technique is called though."

"Someone save me…!"

"We **are** saving you. Next picture."

The next picture was a _graphic_ picture of two _men_.

"This is called Yaoi. It is _very, very_ common on the Internet, but not so common in sleazy hotel television. I am more moved by this type anyway. The technique shown here is called 'Delivering It Up Front'."

"SAVE ME PLEASE ANIKI!"

"No, for you only have one more picture to go. Last picture!"

Deidara put on the final picture, which was the most disturbing picture of them all. For it was pulled from the Internet and seemed to be… _HIM_. With some blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy and they were making out naked. He was much older of course.

"You may be wondering what this is, right? Well I got it from a website called Massive Destruction and thought it would be perfect as the last picture! Although, it's not really sex, but it's close enough!"

"…Idon'twannagrowupanymoreifthisismyfuturesexlife!"

"Repeat that, _slowly_."

"I don't wanna grow up anymore if this is my future sex life!"

"It's not! It's just a possibility…"

"ANIKI, PLEASE SAVE ME!"

((**E**N**D** O**M**A**K**E))

The doctor looked at him one more time before slamming his notepad closed and taking off his glasses. Itachi smirked at him and reached for the notepad one more time.

The doctor slammed a kunai on the edge of the table, as a warning.

"Geez doctor. Take a chill pill."

"Go to a Mental Asylum! You have waaaaaay more problems than your pretty face lets on."

"I know. Isn't that great?"

"NO."

"Hm, so what're we doing tomorrow, doc'?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if you tried to take over the world, but next we talk about Sasuke's Play Date…"

**END SESSION THREE**

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Crackity crack crack crack. I told you, you should've listened. Yaoi pairings preview was somewhere in the story! Can you guess where? The Omake was just for fun, because boredom is my friend. I also can't help but laugh at the image of a sex talk to Sasuke. And, if anyone wants to knows how to get to that _awesome_ website, then tell me so that I can send the hyperlink to you! I hope to see you again in the next chapter of **Psycho-logy**. 


	4. Crack Session One

**Psycho-logy **

Since it's taking way longer than usual to update the real chapter, I give you a crack extra to stall you a bit longer. Don't worry; the real chapter will be out soon.

**Disclaimer: All I have is twelve dollars and a bowl of ice cream. You can't sue me for that, I believe.**

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Crack!Session One: Dear Journal…

Sasuke was angry. Like, really angry. So angry, Gaara couldn't even stop him from killing Itachi if he really tried. Well, Gaara would probably stand on the sidelines and cheer him on, but that wasn't the point.

Itachi was forcing him to go to his psychiatrist. Said that he was becoming too 'antisocial'. Oh, Sasuke'll show him antisocial.

Sasuke walked into the office and slammed the door. The doctor looked at him and his eye twitched.

"Are you, Uchiha Sasuke?" The doctor asked.

"Yeah, are you the mind-probe?" Sasuke bit back.

"My, aren't we rude." The doctor tsked.

"Yes _we_ are. Now can we please get this over with?"

"Fine, fine. We'll start with a certain topic; I do this with your brother all the time."

"Don't remind me of him!"

"Ooh. Sibling rivalry?"

"No! Just get on with it!"

"Fine. You and your brother need to learn some manners. Tell me, have you ever had a crush?"

Sasuke was still for a moment, wondering if he should tell him. It couldn't hurt, could it?

"Yeah."

"Can you tell me about it?"

"Sure."

"Damn emo kids…"

)))FLASHBACK)))

_Dear Journal, _

_Mood: Spiteful _

_I HATE ANIKI! He's making me go to this totally gay place called 'school'. What's a school? I asked Dei-kun and he said that it was where idiots were bred. I don't want to be an idiot! I'm only ten; I still want to make aniki proud of me. Oh wait, I hate him don't I? Well, I'll try this 'school' thing for a while, but only if I get some candy. Why did Candy Man leave? _

Sasuke slammed his journal shut and relocked it. Itachi was forcing him to go to an Idiot Breeding Place, eww. He didn't need school, he's already smarter than most people his age. Well, not Gaara, but oh well.

So now, he was being forced to go to a place for people who were stupider than Kisame-sama.

How disappointing.

Well, now at least he can carry his ninja weapons in a nifty thing called a 'backpack'. How cool is that?

"Sasuke, can I talk to you?" Itachi's voice sounded through the door. Sasuke glared and aimed a kunai at the door to be prepared when he came in.

"Sure." Itachi opened the door and Sasuke automatically threw the kunai, hoping to hurt him. Unfortunately, Itachi already knew he was going to do that and caught it before it even got a foot to his face.

"Whore." Sasuke mumbled, glaring darkly from his bed.

"I'm sorry Sasuke, but some customers at the strip club are getting suspicious of you. Please, just go to school and when you finish, you'll be an official ninja, remember? Besides, you might make some friends… How does that sound?" Itachi said, attempting to soothe Sasuke's nerves.

"And give up Gaa-chan! What's wrong with you!" Sasuke asked, horrified. Itachi patted his head and got up to leave.

"You can have more than one friend, don't worry. And remember, don't tell _anyone_ about the Akatsuki, okay?" And with that, Itachi left the room, closing the door.

"Friends, huh? Maybe it won't be that bad." Sasuke mumbled to himself, going to sleep.

(The Next Day)

"Hey kid, it's going to be just that bad. So, have fun!" Kisame laughed at the horrorstruck look on Sasuke's face. Deidara pushed him away and gave Sasuke a hug.

"Oh Sasuke, I'm so going to miss you sweetie! Don't forget about us, 'kay?" Deidara sighed, looking like a parent sending their kid to college. "You'll meet so many people; we might become a thing of the past…"

Sasuke looked at him as if he were mad.

"I think I'm just going to be gone for a few hours… Right?" Sasuke asked, hoping he was right.

"Right! Take care Sasuke!" Deidara moved away and let Sasori give his speech.

"Don't get a girlfriend. Remember: Gay is Okay, Homo is not a No-no, and there's no fear being queer. Okay?" Sasori recited, hoping to get some sort of gay pride from this. Sasuke smiled and gave him a thumbs-up.

"Okay!" Now, it was Itachi's turn to talk.

"Make them regret being in the same class as an Uchiha. And remember, there is no such thing as Akatsuki. Okay? I hope you have the time of your life." Itachi said, smiling lightly. Sasuke hugged his brother as tightly as possible. And since he's so small, it wasn't very tight.

"Bye! And Aniki, I still hate you!" Sasuke said as he ran into the Ninja Academy.

Everyone in the school stopped and looked at him as soon as he stepped in. Maybe it really was an idiot designated area. What was so strange about him?

"Oh my god… He is so CUTE!"

Sasuke did not expect to be attacked by various girls. They all glomped him and petted his hair and one girl even noticed his purple fingernails.

"Awwww, I want a gay ten-year-old!"

"Me too!"

"Sooooo cute!"

Sasuke had never gotten this much attention in his life ever. But, something caught the corner of his eye, something bright. He turned around to get a closer look.

It was a little blonde boy, who looked his age. So Sasuke beckoned him over and he looked surprised. The blonde moved closer and everyone got quiet to see how it would end up. The blonde was wearing a bright orange shirt and light blue jeans Sasuke could obviously tell that he must be louder than his clothes.

"Love the shirt." Sasuke said, making the blonde boy grin.

"Love the robe." The boy said back, gesturing towards the mini Akatsuki robe that Sasuke was garbed in. Sasuke twitched. If Itachi didn't want him to tell about the Akatsuki, then why put him in the clothes?

"Hey, I'm Uzumaki Naruto! What about you?" The blonde boy asked, still grinning. Sasuke felt a blush creep up his cheeks.

"I'm Uchiha Sasuke. Nice to meet you." Sasuke said, smiling back. Naruto's eyes widened.

"Uchiha? I thought they were wiped out!"

"They were. But its fine, I still got Aniki!" Sasuke grinned happily at the thought of his older brother.

'_Now I kind of regret setting all those traps in his room… Ah well._'

And so, a beautiful relationship was started, nothing hardcore because they're just ten. For the entire day, they sat next to each other in class and Sasuke was still the little gay boy that everyone wanted to pet. So when it was time to go, Sasuke was extremely disappointed.

"NOOOO! I don't wanna leave! I want to stay with Naru-chan! Don't make me leave, please! I HATE YOU KISAME-SAMA!" Sasuke wailed as he was carried out the academy by Kisame. Kisame was getting a major headache and really felt like killing Itachi for making this his day for picking up Sasuke.

"Shut up, brat. You'll be back tomorrow." Sasuke ceased his cries.

"Really? Well, okay then." And the rest of the trip home was quiet.

(That Night)

_Dear Journal, _

_Mood: Drunken With Love _

_Today was the best day ever! I met this really cute blonde boy, and every time I look at him, my heart flutters. 'Tis such a wonderful feeling. If this is what love feels like, then I want to go to school FOREVER. And ever. Oh so happy… I feel so light, like a feather… I think I'm gonna go write some angsty love poetry now…_

"Please don't." Sasuke looked over his shoulder in shock to see Gaara reading over him.

"Were you reading my journal?" Sasuke asked, pursing his lips.

"It's more like a diary, and yeah. I did. So, who's this blonde boy?" Gaara didn't look the least bit sorry for invading Sasuke's personal space in front of him.

"Well, his name is Naruto, and he's _really_ cute. And like, he's really nice and he's loud and why are you staring at me like that?" Sasuke asked, looking at the murderous intent in Gaara's eyes.

"I have to meet him. Make sure he's suitable for you." Gaara said, crossing his arms and daring Sasuke to go against his word.

"Thanks for caring Gaa-chan!" Sasuke said, hugging Gaara. Gaara smiled slightly and almost embraced him back.

"Well, I've got some time, why don't you tell me more about this Naruto?" Gaara said when he was finally released.

And then they stayed up all night talking about Naruto, Gaara making a list of things to kill him for just in case he broke Sasuke's heart.

(The Next Day)

Sasuke practically skipped to school, Gaara and Deidara by his side. Deidara was incredibly interested in what made Sasuke so happy about school now. Of course, Itachi wanted to know too, but he was too busy disarming all those traps in his room.

"Bye Dei-kun! See you later!" Sasuke yelled as he ran into the school, Gaara in tow. Deidara made a note to ask Gaara what's going on.

"Naru-chan!" Sasuke yelled as he ran into the classroom and looked around for Naruto. He didn't find the mop of blonde hair so he went to the teacher. He forgot the teacher's name, so he just called him 'Sensei'.

"Sensei! Where's Naruto?" The teacher's eyes narrowed and he sneered disdainfully.

"That demon? We can't have demons here at our school. We sent him to another one instead." A tear fell out Sasuke's eye and the teacher suddenly felt a loss of air through his mouth. Gaara's sand had constricted around the teacher's neck.

"You just screwed up. _Twice_. You made Sasuke cry and you insulted demons. Would you send _me_ away if I went to this school? Better yet, sign me up. I now go to this school, and if you make Sasuke cry _ever again_, you **will** regret the day you were born." Gaara's sand gave one more squeeze before letting go and Gaara sat down next to the still tearful Sasuke, keeping his eyes trained on the teacher.

"Thanks Gaa-chan. But you didn't have to do that." Sasuke mumbled.

"I believe I did."

"Hm, you're right! Well, I think I'll go angst now."

"I'll be beside you the whole time."

"Aw, thanks Gaa-chan!"

(((END FLASHBACK(((

The doctor stared at Sasuke indifferently.

"Well, are you over the crush?"

"Hello, I'm fifteen! Of course I am!"

"Then why do you look so sad?"

"Well, because I really liked him. But its okay, I've got Gaara now."

"You and Gaara are going out?"

"What? NO! Me? Go out with Sand Boy? Are you high? He's just my best friend."

"That's nice. Well, are you up for another session?"

"Sure. That actually wasn't so bad. I'll try again."

"Thank you. You are so much more cooperative than your brother."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should."

And then at that very moment, a blonde teenager walked through the door holding a packet of papers.

"Orochimaru-sama, I believe Itachi-san has moved his appointment to 'Whenever the doctor has to be sleeping' he said." The blonde said and looked up, his blue eyes locking with Sasuke's black. And then a grin broke out across his face.

"Love the robe."

**END CRACK!SESSION ONE**

* * *

Ooh, I'm so sorry for the late update. Well, despite the fact that this isn't even the real session four, but just something to hold you off until I can finish it. Yeah, I might have the next Crack!Session up, because I'm nowhere near being finished with session four. I hope you enjoyed. 


	5. Session Four

**Psycho-logy**

Kaza loves you. I just haven't really felt like writing this, but now I did, and now you're all happy, correct? I sure do hope you are, gosh.

**_Le Chapter is dedicated to_: Determined, who allowed me to realize the error in my ways when I tried to discontinue this fic (and gave me ice for when I slapped myself. Hooray!) **

**Disclaimer: All yur Naruto r not blong 2 me. **

* * *

Session Four: Sasuke's Play-date 

"Itachi, just tell me now please. Are you going to be cooperative?"

"I apologize greatly doctor. I guess I was in the throes of OOCness, because I can't remember a thing from all our other sessions. I don't even remember how I got here."

"Are you serious?"

"Of course not. I get a lot of my pleasure from making your time in here harder than it should be."

"…Why?"

"Since I'm trying to cover up my insecurity of being in a psychiatrist's office."

"And I don't believe you, why?"

"Because I'm lying."

"I assumed such. So, are we going to have the session or not?"

"I'd like to, so I can pressure you into yelling again."

"That's not going to happen."

"Why not?"

"I've learned how to deal with psychos like you. If I just ignore certain parts of the conversation, I can get through without any headaches or emotional trauma."

"Oh really?"

"Yes really. Now let's start our session, please."

"Hold on doctor! I would like to do one thing first."

"What is that?"

"Push your button."

"Wha- NO!"

It was too late, for the purple-fingernail-polished hand had already reached for the button on the doctor's desk labeled 'Doctor'.

"Okay Itachi, I get it! You get your sick pleasure from making my life a living hell, so stop pushing my button!"

And the hand was removed.

"Well, Sasuke's play date was like this…"

)))FLASHBACK)))

"Alright Sasuke, I've realized that you might be a little lonely in this place by yourself, so I got you a Play Date. How does that sound?" Itachi asked calmly. A grin split across Sasuke's chubby face as he hugged his brother as tightly as possible.

"You're the best Aniki I've ever had! I love you!" Sasuke exclaimed.

"I'm the _only_ Aniki you have." Itachi replied, smiling softly.

"…That makes it even better! Now I can love you even more!"

"That's sweet Sasuke. I love you too."

"But I love you more!"

"Yes you do."

"Nooooo Aniki! You're supposed to say 'No Sasuke! _I_ love you even more!'"

"Okay? I love you even more."

"_I_ love you even more!"

"How long does this go on?"

"Until one of us gets tired and admits to the other one's greater love."

"Okay, I'm tired. Your love is way greater than mine. The end."

Itachi got up, leaving Sasuke to spaz out on the ground about his greater love-skillz, and walked into Sasori's room.

"Hey, Sasori, can you give me some facts about Gaara?" Itachi asked the red-head lying in his bed. Ignore the totally awesome rhyming sequence, by the way.

"For that play date, right?" Sasori confirmed, turning his head towards the red-eyed teen.

"Yes. So what do you know?"

"Well, he likes sand."

"Okay?"

"And to kill people with that sand."

"…"

"But it's just a little insecurity that he can't help, so don't feel uncomfortable around him because of it."

"Uh…huh…"

"He's never had a friend before."

"Oh."

"Yeah, and he killed his uncle."

"Your dad?"

"On his mom's side."

"I see."

"And he was emotionally scarred for a while, so he kinda carved the kanji 'Love' into his skull perfectly."

"I saw that."

"He likes beauty products."

"I saw that too."

"And he's emo."

"He's only six though!"

"Seven."

"Seven, whatever! How can he be emo?"

"The same way you can be OOC."

"What the fuck is that?"

"…You'll see someday."

(((PAUSE FLASHBACK)))

"And you know what doctor? It took awhile, but I actually discovered what OOC meant."

"That's nice."

"Don't you care?"

"No."

"Oh. Okay then."

(((CONTINUE FLASHBACK)))

"Okay, so anymore facts that I should know about?" Itachi asked. Sasori looked pensive before shaking his head negative.

"Thanks Sasori."

"No problem, you helped me escape a fashion faux pas."

Itachi then walked out of that room to see the time. Gaara was to arrive at five, and it was four-thirty (because plot-convenience pwnz u). Sasuke should be ready by now.

"Aniki, I'm ready!"

Damn that kid was good.

"Okay Sasuke, let me see what you're wearing." Itachi said. Sasuke came out the room…

In surprisingly normal clothes. Wide collared shirt, black shorts, ninja sandals.

Wow.

"Sasuke, you look pretty good!" Itachi exclaimed. Sasuke grinned at the praise and twirled around to show off his Uchiha-esque outfit. Hey, the wide collar gave it away.

"Thank you aniki! I still love you more!"

"I'm tired. You obviously have too much love for me to compete against." Itachi automatically stated. Sasuke grinned even more, childish innocence radiating off him immensely.

Itachi blinked.

Sasuke's radiation died down a bit.

The doorbell rang.

"That must be Gaara!" Itachi said quickly, trying to get away from his incredibly innocent brother. Sadly, Sasuke followed him anyway, anxious to meet his play mate. Itachi opened the door and saw a red-head man with Gaara at his side.

"Hello there…?"

"Subaku. You the one taking the murderous brat today?" The man grunted. Itachi narrowed his eyes and nodded stiffly.

"Yes I am."

"Good. I can't stand to look at him anymore."

"…"

"I'll kill you, father." Gaara growled as his dad pushed him through the door.

"Have fun. Brat."

Itachi closed the door softly and inhaled and exhaled deeply. He turned around to look at the red-haired boy.

"So… Gaara. What would you like to do today?"

"Where is this brother of yours?"

"…Behind you."

Gaara turned around and saw Sasuke looking at him in unhidden awe. Sasuke, who led an extremely deprived childhood due to the fact that he lived in the Uchiha compound for a good chunk of his life, was amazed at seeing another boy his age, with_out_ black hair!

"What are you looking at?" Too bad Gaara mistook his awe as horror. Sasuke walked out slowly and touched Gaara's cheek. Before the red-head could bite his finger off, Sasuke pulled it away and turned to his brother with glee.

"He's real Aniki! He's really real!"

Itachi smiled and patted Sasuke's head.

"Have fun Sasuke."

"I love you Aniki!"

"Ha ha, Sasuke, you win. I'm tired."

Itachi then walked away as Sasuke turned back to Gaara and started talking. He could only pick out little bits on their conversation from his position in the hall.

"Gaara… sand… hate… love… kill…" Was what Itachi could hear from Gaara. Itachi could only pray that Gaara did not corrupt his poor brother by the end of this.

Itachi turned down the hall, until he heard high pitched screams from where he left Sasuke.

"Oh fuck!" Itachi exclaimed as he ran down the hall.

"Sasuke! Are you o…kay?"

"Hi Aniki!" Sasuke yelled as he was thrown into the air by Gaara's sand once more, and caught.

"Sasuke, what the hell is going on?"

"Gaa-chan is playing with me. He let me see his sand!" Sasuke responded as his body was thrown into the air again.

'_Maybe I'm overreacting_.' Itachi thought as he watched his brother fly into the air, laughing gleefully. Gaara had that look on his face. Like, if you've seen Final Fantasy: Advent Children, how Cloud has that 'look'. Like he never smiles, but there was that one part where he _almost_ smiled. A small almost twitch of the lips. So, Gaara had that Cloud Look.

"Okay, you kids have fun!" Itachi said, walking away again. Man, he was paranoid about that kid.

"Hi there Itachi!" An overly cheerful Deidara greeted.

"Oh snap!"

Deidara looked surprised as stepped back from the incredibly tense Itachi. Itachi shook his head and smiled shakily back.

"Hi Deidara. What's going on?" He asked. Deidara looked at him and had an 'I Know What's Wrong!' expression.

"You're tense because you missed LOST last night aren't you?" Deidara asked sympathetically. Itachi twitched. He really wished that blondes weren't anything like the jokes about them, but this one is the _epitome_ of blonde jokes.

Itachi _did_ miss LOST though.

"Um, no. I'm just paranoid about Sasuke."

"Oh. Well, that understandable. Just in case though, I taped last night's episode."

Okay, Deidara _isn't_ that bad.

"Buuuut, Kisame has it at the moment."

Itachi takes that back.

"And he just finished it, so you can have it next!"

Okay, Deidara is good again.

Itachi walked away from Deidara and into his room. He hoped to whatever entity up there that his walls were soundproof, so he couldn't hear anymore screams. When all was silent, Itachi sighed gratefully and picked up a ninja scroll he intended to study.

"And this, Gaa-chan, is me and Aniki's room!"

Damn it all. Why did Itachi forget that they were in the same room?

"Nice." Gaara responded. Sasuke pulled Gaara into the room and went inside the closet to pull out paper and colored pencils.

"Let's draw, Gaa-chan!"

Itachi twitched as the scratchy sounds of pencil on paper broke the silence in the room. How was he to study in such conditions? And since he couldn't concentrate, he decided to take a peek at the kid's art.

Sasuke's was really expected. He drew a badly sketched picture of the Akatsuki members, writing the name of each person over their heads.

Gaara scared the hell out of Itachi. _Again_. He drew a surprisingly beautiful picture of a man being pieced in the heart by a white arrow, blood spurting out morbidly, as he writhed in agony with a screaming look coming from his mouth.

"Death." Gaara's voice cut through the silence, almost catching Itachi off guard. Sasuke blinked.

"Death?" He asked. Gaara nodded.

"My picture is death."

"That's awesome. My picture is Akatsuki."

"…"

Itachi slowly got off his bed and then walked briskly out the door. Once he was in the hall, he broke into a run towards his partner's room.

"Kisame!" Itachi gasped for breath as he came to a halt. Kisame looked up from his scroll reading and cocked a blue eyebrow at him.

"Yo. What's up?" Kisame asked. Itachi closed his door and locked it tightly. He then slumped on the door, tired.

"Freaky…Murderous…Emo…Kid…" Itachi muttered. Kisame nodded in understanding and continued his scroll reading.

"That's nice."

* * *

After the time-span of three hours, Itachi decided that he should go and return Gaara home. He carefully unlocked the bolts and walked out the door and down the hall cautiously. Opening his room door, he found Sasuke sleeping, Gaara staring at him with this creepy expression. 

"Gaara?" Itachi asked slowly. Gaara snapped his green-eyes to the long-haired teen.

"Yes?" He asked stiffly.

"It's time to go. I'll take you home." Itachi said. Gaara nodded and hopped up, walking towards Itachi with a practiced ease.

When they came in front of the large, looming house that belonged to Gaara's father, the Yondaime Kazekage, Gaara gently tugged on Itachi's shirt.

"Can I come over again? It was kinda fun." Gaara asked quietly. Itachi, who had no idea what to do in this type of situation, nodded with an almost-smile.

"Of course." Gaara's face lit up in a way that was quite scary and Itachi patted his head before ringing the doorbell and running off.

'_Dearest Itachi, you have signed your life away as we all know it._' Itachi's conscience taunted with a singsong voice. Itachi twitched, knowing that he couldn't tell himself off because, one: He was right, and two: He'd look crazy if he talked to himself like a moron.

Itachi prayed that the next play date wouldn't be so soon.

(((END FLASHBACK(((

The psychiatrist chuckled as Itachi shuddered in horror at the memory.

"It's not funny! That kid scared the hell out of me!" Itachi exclaimed.

"It's just amusing to know that you had some _really_ bad points in your Akatsuki life." The doctor responded.

"Shut it. You're supposed to help suppress the demons of my past (literally), not laugh at them!"

"Okay, how about this? Gaara could have easily killed you."

"…True."

"So that means Gaara actually liked you, most likely."

"…"

"In which, by what you have told me, Gaara takes morbid pleasure out of killing those whom are not on his good side."

"Damn, you're good."

"I know."

"So, what's next?"

"Free subject. You choose."

**END SESSION FOUR**

* * *

Awesome, mission complete! 

Since next chapter is 'Free Subject', you can suggest what Itachi's next mind probe shall be. Also, if you desire another Crack!Session, then give me the word!

But seriously, suggest some stuff, because I don't have any idea towards what I'll write next.

I hope to see you in the next chapter of **Psycho-logy**.


	6. The Last Session EVAR

**Psycho-logy**

AHERM. ATTENTION READERS.

LAST CHAPTER. THIS IS.

NO MORE. OVER.

KAZA HAS LIFE. KAZA IN HIGH SCHOOL. KAZA TENTH GRADE. KAZA NEED TO COMPLETE FUCKING EDUCATION AND NOT FRET OVER COMPLETE _BULLCRAP_ LIKE THIS FIC.

ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME.

**

* * *

**

**The Last Session EVAR: THE END**

The doctor looked at the pile of notes on his desk and turned to the man on the couch.

He sighed. "Itachi, I don't know how to break this to you,"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Just get to the point, doc."

"Well, I want you to know that I hate you—"

"I already know."

"—I hate this job—"

"You're preaching to the choir, doc."

"—and I'm quitting. This is the LAST session I'll ever have with you. Ever."

Itachi looked pensive. "Oh. Well then, I guess I have no choice but to rant about everyone's bitchiness, now do I?"

"I didn't say that—"

"Alas, the list is _extremely_ long and I suppose we'll have to start now, won't we?"

"What the hell?"

"Okay, I'll start with my brother. He's a bitch because he doesn't understand the INTENSE sexiness of nail polish. He also is a bitch because his mother and father were bitches, there forth making him a default bitch."

"Then shouldn't you be a bitch?"

"I have a fashion sense, there forth not a bitch. The Akatsuki are bitches because they suck. And they don't understand the severity of wearing purple polish with red, white, and black bulky robes. They also don't realize the potential of LIVES. Like, being something that ISN'T a stripper."

"I have no comment."

"Excuse me, but I'm speaking here. Now, _TOBI_ is a bitch because—"

((THREE HOURS LATER))

"—and FUCK KISAME'S bitchy self for being such a blue-skinned bitch. I hate him long time, doc. Long time. Oh, and then there's Hidan, who thinks he's sooooo fucking PRETTY and SEXY and ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS WITH A CASE OF PEPSI. I _hate_ Pepsi. Hidan needs a fucking life, the bitch. His partner though, Kakuzu, is fuck-ugly. I'd still say he's a bitch though. A MONEY-HUNGRY bitch."

((EIGHT HOURS LATER))

"—And then that Temujin guy from the second movie? FUCKING BITCH. And a flaming FAG-PIPE. I hated that movie, it made NO FUCKING SENSE. AT ALL. IN THE LEAST."

((TWENTY HOURS LATER))

"—oh man, you do NOT want to get me started on Edward Elric in the movie! What the fuck kind of name is Shambala? It sounds like some sort of gay salsa, minus the dip!"

"Itachi, shut the fuck up."

"Why? I wasn't done yet!"

"SHUT. THE FUCK. _UP_."

"Oh, I never DID explain how you are a bitch too."

The doctor tore off his glasses and glared at Itachi with narrowed golden eyes.

"YES. YES YOU DID. I AM _OROCHIMARU_. Get the fuck out my office and I hope to never see you again. EVER."

Itachi blinked and got off the couch.

"You are such a bitch."

And he was gone.

**END**

* * *

Wasn't that fun? Yaaaaay.

**Niver** supplied the session, by the way.

KTHNX 4 READING, EVERYONE.

I HEART YOU 4EVA.


End file.
